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Hello all, This is a beautiful sun shinny day, but oh so cold. It was - 6 at 6:00 am
Well at least now I believe I know why I can't sleep. I am afraid I am going to die and I am not ready. Last night I went to bed around midnight, slept about 1 hour, woke up, went back to sleep for a couple of hours, woke up, had a terrible dream about dying,. Woke very afraid that I was dead, then went back to sleep for a little while and got up at 4:30 am.
The dream: I was dying, my body sounded loud like helicopter blades whirling It was so so loud and the movement was wracking and jerking. I kept yelling for Ray to come cause I was dying, but of course he couldn't come and he couldn't stop it. Nancy, you came, but you couldn't stop it. Then there was absolute silence. Complete and Utter Silence, could not hear a thing and nothing moved. Paralyzed and stiff. I then woke up and waited, listening to hear my body work. Relief, it was just a dream. I am going to call the social worker tomorrow. It is clear I am not ready and I have not come to terms with this dying part yet. Most days, I feel my dying is a long way off, but some days I am sure it is that day or tomorrow. I know I am worse at handling this when I am tired and I am always tired cause I can't sleep. The catch 22.
I have been given medicine to help me sleep, but I fight it and I know I can't remember what Colleen said for taking it because I don't want to. I was afraid I would over dose and kill myself, but I later remembered what she said. Later by about 4 hours and to late in the morning. I have had a nap. Yes, Colleen, I know you said I could take a couple and just put myself to sleep, but hum, I don't think so yet.
The banana bread just came out of the oven. I keep very busy with little projects to keep my mind from working and thinking of other things. I am getting this blog done, cause I promised myself to keep it real and I just want it off my mind.
I have played a lot on the computer. Windows 7 is fun and I signed up for Windows live mail. It has themes and eye candy. Everyone who knows me, knows I am very visual and love eye candy.
I was hoping Jill could come and play today, but I thought I might be getting a cold. (Not) and then Jase says he thinks they are all getting a cold.
I want Candy to take me to Joanne Fabric tomorrow (I am sure Ray would not like taking me). I need some fleece to cover a couple of new pillows and I want to go to Babies R Us and get Jills baby book.
Mert is stopping after work today, she will probably be disappointed, but I am not going out or getting dressed. She is so good about doing errands for me and I so appreciate it.
Well, I got the hard part here done. I think I will close and spend some time calling comcast. That is always fun. Have a wonderful day friends. I plan to and then tonight I will follow Colleen instruction for getting sleep. :^)
Be Well
